A Bit of Honesty...

Hey, sorry for not blogging for a while, I'm in my final term of uni, and I've been quite busy recently, mostly with dissertation, but it's finally submitted!

My finally finished diss!

Alongside this, I've also struggled to find any inspiration to blog if I'm honest... So, this blog is about something I've kinda wanted to blog about for a while, but have been pretty scared to... So, about 5 months or so ago, after a few years of struggling, I finally sought help and got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I have since been treat with Mirtazapine and a course of CBT, but am currently awaiting an appointment with a psychiatrist.

It's a topic I struggle to talk about, I'm not particularly good with feelings (mine or others) -hence why it took me so long to get help, but I know it is something that needs to be talked about... I suppose the reason I think this is because, even though there is no one set 'reason' for being diagnosed with depression, I definitely think my arthritis is one of them.

I've struggled with arthritis for 8 years now, and through that, I have noticed that, naturally, when my pain is bad, my mood is also bad, and lately my pain has been particularly bad, therefore taking my mood with it. Arthritis also gives me a pretty bad outlook on life, I believe that I'll never get a job and that I'll end up living off a disability allowance, I believe that when (if) I have kids I won't be able to play or look after them like I should, I believe that everyone who sees me limping is judging me, and that no one believes that I genuinely have arthritis, and that I'm just an 'attention seeker'. 

On top of these beliefs of what people think of me, it doesn't particularly help that I've always struggled to make/maintain friendships, and I pretty much believe that no one likes me. Which is a pretty petty thing to think, especially at the age of 21, but it's something I've believed all the way through school, college and university.

I don't really know where I'm going with this blog, I suppose I have a lot of stuff that I've wanted to get off my chest for a while. Really, I'd just suggest if you feel down, it's okay to seek help. I wish I'd done it earlier, and I wish my rheumatolagists had maybe even asked me about it, because it's definitely something they should consider, in any kind of chronic illness, that the effect it has on your life, could potentially make you feel this way. 

Basically, it's okay to not be okay, and you should seek help or talk to family/friends if you feel this way. We're all too quick to dismiss our mental health and are often happy to put it at risk for the sake of getting an assignment done on time, or making sure your house is tidy (I don't know, just examples!)

Sorry for the unhappy blog, maybe I'll be a bit cheerier next time.

Until then,
TTFN, ta ta for now x