Hi guys,
This post is a little bit of a downer compared to my last one a few months ago, as I had just started my new job then, and now I'm set to be leaving it in just over a week.
I've had a little bit of a roller-coaster ride since starting here, with struggling when I initially started, but then having a hospital appointment not long after my last blog post (when I decided enough was enough and I needed help from a doctor again) where I received a steroid injection and discussed the potential of starting a new weekly/biweekly injection or monthly infusion - this will be decided upon on my next appointment. Anyway, I returned to work again after the appointment, and found myself coping much better, and managing shifts with a lot less pain (although I was still in pain, just less) thanks to the steroid injection I had. But... Unfortunately that wore off after 6 weeks (when I was due to go back for another appointment, but had to rearrange, little did I know it'd be a whole month later!) So, at the moment I'm back to square one, suffering so badly I've had to leave my job (well, in a week)...
It's a real downer really, as I was enjoying the job, I love hosting and my fellow team members are great. But I'm often finding myself unable to finish my shift, and having to leave early, and then arriving home unable to walk any more. Genuinely, there have been nights where I've got home from work, crying from the pain and the misery it causes me and I've not eaten anything because I can't deal with the pain of standing up & walking... And the pain has made me lose sleep often, and I know it's not a healthy way to live at all, in fact it has made me feel quite poorly on a regular basis.
I find the whole thing incredibly degrading, I've honestly never felt so worthless. The fact that I can't even look after myself in a tiny accommodation which has no stairs, and everything is only a few steps away at the age of 21 kills me a little bit. It's just totally ruined me basically, we all know I hate giving up on things, and I often like to define myself as a "trooper" for all the stuff I've managed to do by not giving up.
But unfortunately this time I have to give up, and I'll be moving in with Simon and his family, and see where I can go from there... Fingers crossed I'll be up and running again shortly, I'll be sure to blog about it when I am, but in the meantime, it'll be time to rest and prepare myself for my next hospital appointment - which will probably include being prescribed a new injection :(
TTFN,
Ta ta for now.
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Friday, 21 October 2016
Sunday, 10 April 2016
A Bit of Honesty...
Hey, sorry for not blogging for a while, I'm in my final term of uni, and I've been quite busy recently, mostly with dissertation, but it's finally submitted!
Alongside this, I've also struggled to find any inspiration to blog if I'm honest... So, this blog is about something I've kinda wanted to blog about for a while, but have been pretty scared to... So, about 5 months or so ago, after a few years of struggling, I finally sought help and got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I have since been treat with Mirtazapine and a course of CBT, but am currently awaiting an appointment with a psychiatrist.
It's a topic I struggle to talk about, I'm not particularly good with feelings (mine or others) -hence why it took me so long to get help, but I know it is something that needs to be talked about... I suppose the reason I think this is because, even though there is no one set 'reason' for being diagnosed with depression, I definitely think my arthritis is one of them.
I've struggled with arthritis for 8 years now, and through that, I have noticed that, naturally, when my pain is bad, my mood is also bad, and lately my pain has been particularly bad, therefore taking my mood with it. Arthritis also gives me a pretty bad outlook on life, I believe that I'll never get a job and that I'll end up living off a disability allowance, I believe that when (if) I have kids I won't be able to play or look after them like I should, I believe that everyone who sees me limping is judging me, and that no one believes that I genuinely have arthritis, and that I'm just an 'attention seeker'.
On top of these beliefs of what people think of me, it doesn't particularly help that I've always struggled to make/maintain friendships, and I pretty much believe that no one likes me. Which is a pretty petty thing to think, especially at the age of 21, but it's something I've believed all the way through school, college and university.
I don't really know where I'm going with this blog, I suppose I have a lot of stuff that I've wanted to get off my chest for a while. Really, I'd just suggest if you feel down, it's okay to seek help. I wish I'd done it earlier, and I wish my rheumatolagists had maybe even asked me about it, because it's definitely something they should consider, in any kind of chronic illness, that the effect it has on your life, could potentially make you feel this way.
Basically, it's okay to not be okay, and you should seek help or talk to family/friends if you feel this way. We're all too quick to dismiss our mental health and are often happy to put it at risk for the sake of getting an assignment done on time, or making sure your house is tidy (I don't know, just examples!)
Sorry for the unhappy blog, maybe I'll be a bit cheerier next time.
Until then,
TTFN, ta ta for now x
 |
| My finally finished diss! |
It's a topic I struggle to talk about, I'm not particularly good with feelings (mine or others) -hence why it took me so long to get help, but I know it is something that needs to be talked about... I suppose the reason I think this is because, even though there is no one set 'reason' for being diagnosed with depression, I definitely think my arthritis is one of them.
I've struggled with arthritis for 8 years now, and through that, I have noticed that, naturally, when my pain is bad, my mood is also bad, and lately my pain has been particularly bad, therefore taking my mood with it. Arthritis also gives me a pretty bad outlook on life, I believe that I'll never get a job and that I'll end up living off a disability allowance, I believe that when (if) I have kids I won't be able to play or look after them like I should, I believe that everyone who sees me limping is judging me, and that no one believes that I genuinely have arthritis, and that I'm just an 'attention seeker'.
On top of these beliefs of what people think of me, it doesn't particularly help that I've always struggled to make/maintain friendships, and I pretty much believe that no one likes me. Which is a pretty petty thing to think, especially at the age of 21, but it's something I've believed all the way through school, college and university.
I don't really know where I'm going with this blog, I suppose I have a lot of stuff that I've wanted to get off my chest for a while. Really, I'd just suggest if you feel down, it's okay to seek help. I wish I'd done it earlier, and I wish my rheumatolagists had maybe even asked me about it, because it's definitely something they should consider, in any kind of chronic illness, that the effect it has on your life, could potentially make you feel this way.
Basically, it's okay to not be okay, and you should seek help or talk to family/friends if you feel this way. We're all too quick to dismiss our mental health and are often happy to put it at risk for the sake of getting an assignment done on time, or making sure your house is tidy (I don't know, just examples!)
Sorry for the unhappy blog, maybe I'll be a bit cheerier next time.
Until then,
TTFN, ta ta for now x
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